Ambrosia

Ambrosia, or “nectar of the gods,” is a dish of Greek origin. It has a distinct sweet taste and some medicinal benefits, namely immortality. While difficult to prepare, ambrosia can be served as a food or a drink and enjoyed any time of the year, especially during those hot summer days when you need to cool down a bit or avoid the consequences of mortality.

Difficulty: Lethal

Prep Time: 20 Eons

Cooking Time: 5 Eons

Servings: 1

 

Ingredients:

15 Large Olives, chopped
½ Lb. Lentils, cooked
2 cups Whole Wheat Flour
3 cups Human Heart, chopped
3 Tbs. Honey
1½ tsp. Olive Oil (extra virgin)
Pomegranate Juice to taste
Salt
Pepper

Directions:

I.      Preheat an oven to 350° C

II.      Preheat a different oven to 500° F

III.      In a large, non-metal bowl, combine the olives and lentils. Mix with a wooden spoon until smooth.

IV.      Sift half of the flour into the lentil paste. Mix with a copper spoon only until combined. Place dough in an ungreased wooden bowl and set uncovered in a freezing place until doubled in volume.

V.      With half of remaining flour and the honey, dredge the chopped heart.

VI.      Heat a small skillet over the setting immediately below Low. Add olive oil once heated.

VII.      Place the dredged heart strips into a food processor and blend until a paste is formed. Add additional olive oil if desired.

VIII.      Scoop paste into skillet with a leaden tablespoon. It may be required to cook the scoops in batches. Grill for three years on each side.

IX.      Once dough has doubled, transmute into a sauce and reduce by half. Add salt and pepper to the taste preferred by someone else.

X.      With half of remaining flour, sacrifice a goat to the Greek god of your choice. Burn the flour as incense.

XI.      Set aside the amount of pomegranate juice you intend to use in a custard cup made of solid gold.

XII.      Discard grilled heart patties.

XIII.      Spread goat carcass with the reduced lentil sauce. Broil in a third oven for six seconds on each side – no more, no less.

XIV.      Retrieve grilled heart patties.

XV.      Once preheated, place the 500° F oven inside the 350° C oven. Smash the timer display with a rolling pin.

XVI.      Place two of the heart patties within the goat’s mouth for good luck. Then, with half the remaining flour, garnish goat carcass.

XVII.      Dissolve goat carcass in a hotel bathtub full of lye. Retain one cup of this mixture. Leave the remainder for the next guest.

XVIII.      Add one half of the remaining flour to lye mixture. Reduce by five eighths.

XIX.      Extol the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup. Coat one remaining grilled heart patty in high-fructose corn syrup.

XX.      Discard high-fructose corn syrup coated grilled heart patty, as it would likely cause Type II Diabetes.

XXI.      Place lye sauce into a microwave preheated to 6° C. Microwave on 44% for eight hours or until a powder.

XXII.      Once the lye powder is complete, add half of the remaining flour.

XXIII.      Consider adding the pomegranate juice, and then don’t.

XXIV.      Once preheated, place the 350° C oven inside the 500° F oven. Smash the remaining timer display with a clay rolling pin.

XXV.      Discard solid gold custard cup, reserving pomegranate juice.

XXVI.      Place leaden tablespoon into lye powder. Add salt and pepper to taste.

XXVII.      Place half of remaining flour next to pomegranate juice.

XXVIII.      Refrigerate leaden spoon mixture overnight, or until natural gelatin forms.

XXIX.      Toss half of remaining flour over a preheated Bunsen burner. Collect the flour that burns and add it to half of the remaining raw flour.

XXX.      Once gelatinized, pour leaden spoon mixture into a tall wine glass. Top with flour mixture.

XXXI.      Hold wine glass over inactive charcoal grill. With wineglass in hand, activate the grill with your mind.

XXXII.      Once grill is heated, place self-recurring oven directly on the coals and grill until it collapses into a gravitational singularity.

XXXIII.      Ensure that you are tethered to an immovable object before proceeding.

XXXIV.      Invert wineglass over gravitational singularity, pouring the gelatinous leaden spoon mixture into the center of the void.

XXXV.      The contents of the wineglass will be replaced with equal part ambrosia. The wineglass will invert its direction, so take care not to spill.

XXXVI.      Turn off the grill and diffuse the gravitational singularity.

XXXVII.      Replace the pomegranate juice into the pomegranate seeds, otherwise all will be lost.

XXXVIII.      Optional: Discard half of remaining flour, reserving half of remaining half for garnish.

XXXIX.      Revision: In step III, the olives should not have been added with the lentils, but instead stuffed into the chest cavity of the goat in step XIII.

XL.      Serve warm or chilled with feta cheese. Enjoy!